why is jon gosselin on the news 24/7 for dating some new lady?? how bout I get on msnbc for not getting laid since forever ago
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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