I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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