Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Randomize
