Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
I took did three shots of fireball and did and handstand. When I stood up some busty slut lead me my the hand down the hall into her dorm room.
But I'm sure your having and "a monumentally better time" repeating the 12th grade
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
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