I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
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