Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
Well, she's an atheist who is addicted to the Sims.
Who isn't?
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
people are starting to question the shark bite story
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Randomize