Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
Man, jail baloney is awful.
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
