I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
Randomize
