I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
Ya apperently its not "appropriate" to fuck in the school auditorium
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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