so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
