this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
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