we were playing true or dare on a webcam chat and i was way to drunk ...i ended up having to drink my own piss outta a beer bottle, life couldnt get any worse right now
When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
Redeem this text for a blowjob
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
