Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Can Purell be used as lube?
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
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