My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
