Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
