i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
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