I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
who has a one night stand on Christmas ? But he's pretty attractive so thumbs up
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
