i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Randomize
