Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Randomize
