dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Randomize
