he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Randomize