i can't wait to go to hell
yeah...all of my friends will be there for sure
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
