New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
Agreed. And i highly doubt it could be awkward. You do remember our introduction was a direct result of you mentioning your affinity for my genitals, right?
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
Randomize
