his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
This is the prime rib incident all over again
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
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