My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Randomize
