it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Randomize