Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
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