I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
