Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
Randomize