I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
Regardless of the degree, it's probably not good to relate so closely to the Steve-O documentary.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
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