Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
Randomize
