Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
girl in the front row yawned. double jointed jaw. i know where i'll be sitting next class
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
No...this little piggys going to the bar
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Randomize
