when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
Btw, I feel the need to make sure we have no misunderstanding about this. So here goes. I'll happily mess around with you again. However, I probably won't do it while you're dressed like a creepy clown. Or any clown.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
Randomize
