I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
Randomize
