I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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