I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
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