awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
