Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
