I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
Randomize
