I am pretty sure the guy in the stall two dwn from me is jerking it...seriously
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
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