I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
Sober January is a disaster.
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
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