I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
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