After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
OMFG, I'm seriously about to get fairly unpolite with this guy.
Wow. I bet he's shakin' in his boots.
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
Randomize
