my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
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