I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
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