The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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