My first STD was from a foam party
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
Randomize