Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
We banged in his car behind the burrito place. Google Maps keeps asking me to rate my visit. 5/5, would cum again.
Randomize
