You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
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