but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
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