My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
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