i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
