genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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