You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Randomize
