I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
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