when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
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