I think it's just because she's got "I'll sleep with anyone with a decent car" written all over her face.
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
