Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
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