Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
