You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
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