i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
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