i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
This dress was meant to end up on your floor
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
Randomize
