I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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