a queef is a wish your heart makes.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
Randomize
