She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
