I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
I wish life had little blips of pornography
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
Woke up backwards on a recliner
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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