dude, she has braces
i meant the dude w the ponytail.
i was less creeped out when i thought you were talking about the 14 y.o.
Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
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