4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
Randomize
