i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
Randomize
